Support groups: which one is right for you?

So you’re a fiction writer looking for a support group. Here is a short questionnaire that should help you find the kind of people you’re looking for:

1. If you go on a holiday, do you pick:

a. A convention featuring people wearing antennae
b. A Mediterranean cruise giving people the opportunity to gaze at you while sunbathe and contemplate your next best-seller
c. A convention featuring handcuffs and people in teddy bear suits
d. An African safari

2. When you go shopping for entertainment, do you visit:

a. The comic book store
b. The spa to enhance your godlike physique with a gold sparkle tan
c. The leather shop
d. The gym to watch a hand-to-hand fight to the death

3. Your typical lunch companions are:

a. Romulans
b. Your entourage
c. You think his name was Mossimo, but it was hard to tell around the gag
d. Not sure, but he drank a lot of Bushmills and talked about riding elephants

4. From friendship, you seek

a. A close and meaningful bond, kind of like a mind meld
b. Unconditional adulation
c. Benefits and occasionally pain
d. Someone willing to walk into the jungle and blow up tigers with you. It’s a guy thing.

5. In terms of writing, the kind of support you need is:

a. Someone who will undertake the translation of your latest work into Klingon in time for the Con
b. Someone who will post a five-star review on every review site, even if your book sucks
c. Someone who knows exactly what button to push to get your mind off a bad review
d. Someone willing and able to boil the reviewer in a large pot, and then eat him

If you answered mostly “a”, you might have had a great support group, but they’ve all been abducted and taken to Roswell.

If you answered “b”, remember to tip well.

If you answered “c”, you already have interesting friends. Gil Grissom will be investigating your cadre during his guest spot return to CSI next season.

If you answered “d”, you must like Hemingway a lot.