The polite use of zombies for discerning gentlefolk

Emma Jane Holloway
June 20, 2020  •  No Comments

zombieThis first appeared in my newsletter, May 24/20

In strange worlds different from the Very Strange World we currently inhabit, work on the Hellion House series continues. I’d like to take this moment to address the notion that the series contains zombies. In a word, no. The forest beyond the walls of Londria contain many strange creatures, but not the walking dead. There are the Unseen, which are scruffy flesh eaters with shockingly bad social skills, but they are very much alive.

Then what are the Unseen and where do they come from? Can they be taught to use a napkin? Do they vote for a particular party? Those, dear reader, are the story questions of Leopard Ascending, the Hellion House installment currently under construction.

In the meantime, I’d like to offer some general advice for those occasions when one does have a zombie on one’s impeccably-gloved hands.

  • For hostesses short a guest to make up the correct numbers at table, the recently-deceased might be pressed into discreet service, given sufficient repair. Of course, no one wants to admit that it was necessary to summon the dead to their party—it smacks of disinterest on the part of the living. As a precaution, instruct the footmen serving the meal to politely but firmly decline the revenant’s insistent request for brains.
  • For committee work, whether charitable or in commerce, it is commonplace to send a proxy when it becomes impossible to manage every meeting. Many do send the dead for this purpose. If you have long suspected there were no signs of life amongst your fellow board members, now you know why.
  • As a post-script to the above, employing zombies in any capacity is optimal where there is plenty of fresh air and discreet staff prepared for unusual emergencies. More than once, a garden party guest has been quickly disposed of among the rhododendrons, much to the gratitude of the greenery. Imagination and flexibility are key. So are a shovel and quick lime.
  • Finally, while the care and feeding of the dead requires human brains, please do so sparingly. There appears to be a general shortage.

 


Camellias yesterday and today


March 4, 2020  •  No Comments

This is camellia season–a fleeting glimpse of perfection before rain yellows the pristine blooms. I took some photos around the neighborhood and then by chance saw some old illustrations that echoed those beauties. I put them together here:


Holiday Indulgence


December 30, 2019  •  No Comments

Holidays are all about indulgence, and much of that involves food. In the spirit of pre-New Year’s resolution abandon, here is a recipe for Eggnog Ice Cream.

Cold, light and creamy, this is ideal after a rich meal. I use a fancy ice cream maker I got with Airmile points (Ariete Espressione Gran Gelato), but I think any churn-type maker would do the trick. This recipe makes a generous batch, so depending on your equipment it might require splitting into two churning sessions. I set the machine for about 40 minutes.

 

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of eggnog
  • 2 cups of heavy cream
  • 1 10-ounce can of sweetened condensed milk
  • 1 tsp of vanilla
  • 1/2 tsp of nutmeg

I don’t put rum in this because that acts like an antifreeze, which cancels the whole frozen dessert factor.

All you need to do is mix thoroughly (no cooking) and pour into the churn until it’s about two-thirds full. Leaving room allows for a fluffier result. Once the ice cream is done (I look for a solid but not frozen-to-a-brick consistency) transfer to a container and put it in the freezer.  Pro-tip:  if you’re aiming for a dainty presentation, try using a very small scoop to dish it out. I actually use a melon baller so I can arrange it just so.


JingleVamp: Special Order Hero


December 26, 2019  •  No Comments

In answer to the age-old question, authors DO have their sources for characters.  I get mine through mail order.

I’ve owned the Dark Hero, Vampire Edition 3.2, for a few years now. He came in a box, all minty fresh with that new hero gleam in his eye. Of course there were limitations.  Dark wash only. Do not leave in direct sunlight. I had to get a separate unit, the Djinn Slave 4.0, for household use. However, I have to say I have been a fully satisfied customer.

Of course, all equipment subjected to heavy use eventually needs replacement—and believe me, the 3.2 saw a lot of action since he came out of the carton.  He’s held up well, but his cape is getting a bit threadbare and the poor dear gets stuck in the brood cycle more often than is good for him. I’ve had to call the manufacturer’s help desk to unlock the “furrowed brow” setting three times now. So, when I was browsing through the catalogue to see if their new line of minotaur was available yet, my attention was caught by a coupon offer for the JingleVamp Special Edition.

I confess, the notion of a vampire with a “ho, ho, ho” plug-in was vaguely disturbing. I wasn’t sure about the reindeer antlers, either, but I figured what the heck. It would make a change from the usual sort of holiday decoration. So, I placed an order.

The thing I didn’t realize was that, unlike the full-priced Dark Heroes, JingleVamp came unassembled and that the instructions were in the non-language universal to children’s toys and cheap furniture. Soon my living room floor was covered in an explosion of sardonic laughs, sultry glances, and sparkly white fangs as I unpacked and sorted and tried to make sense of the diagrams. Fortunately, there was more information enclosed in a separate envelope:

Hello, and welcome to your new JingleVamp!  Here are a few pointers to make sure you fully enjoy your new purchase:

  1. Note JingleVamp must be rebooted when changing “naughty” and “nice” settings.
  2. When recharging, do not plug JingleVamp into the same circuit as your Christmas tree. Spontaneous carolling may result, overriding your Dark Hero’s patented Sinister Velvet® laugh cycle.
  3. Exercise caution when using JingleVamp near pine boughs, holly sprigs, pine trees, or other pointy wooden objects.
  4. JingleVamp may consume eggnog while set to “party animal.” Caution: Glassware recommended. Paper cartons will leak if bitten.
  5. Do not engage JingleVamp in reindeer games without permission of local wildlife authorities.
  6. Your JingleVamp will not pull a sleigh, no matter how nicely you ask.
  7. Note that Dark Hero units cannot be set to “shopping” mode prior to noon, December 24. “Wrap” mode defaults to intermittent setting. “Write cards” mode is automatically disabled. Contact manufacturer for override instructions.
  8. Shopping list plug-in sold separately. Unit is supplied with only “black negligee” and “toaster” options.
  9. If you wish to disassemble unit, use stake provided.

Thank you for purchasing the JingleVamp Special Edition! We hope you enjoy your new Dark Hero’s version of Christmas Cheer.

 Merry Fangmas to All!


Corsair’s Cove tries the click bait so you don’t have to!

Sharon Ashwood
December 1, 2019  •  No Comments

This is cross-posted from the Corsair’s Cove blog:

Our companion short stories are like chats with a friend, in a cafe or at a kitchen table, with a delicious beverage. Naturally, news of a popular new winter treat caught our attention!

A recipe for a chocolate and red wine combo has been making the rounds of Facebook.  The original came from Shape Magazine’s article How to Make Red Wine Hot Chocolate. Although doubtful, I like the magazine and was curious enough to give the recipe a spin. Twice.

Try number one followed the recipe using a good cabernet sauvignon on the plummy side, figuring that would be a good compliment to the chocolate. I used semi-sweet dark chocolate wafers that were supposed to be better quality than regular chocolate chips. The wafers melted but then the wax and other un-chocolately elements clumped when the wine was added to leave floaty residue in the drink. Maybe heating the wine first would have helped the texture, but that wasn’t the only drawback. The flavour was sweet and sour, but not in the best way. Sort of like heartburn with cake. Adding cinnamon helped. Adding marshmallows did not.

Try number two was better. I used a good instant unsweetened spiced dark chocolate that dissolved and stayed that way. This gave a much better mouth feel and, since I could limit the sugar, the wine didn’t crash the party like an awkward uncle. I’m still not a fan of the flavour combo, but this version had more potential. If I was very cold from, say, shoveling the walks after a foot of snow, I might even appreciate it.

I didn’t persevere to a third attempt. Super high quality grated European drinking chocolate might be worth a try to give a heavier body to the drink, but it might also be a waste of expensive ingredients. Rum, brandy or liqueur are classic adds to hot chocolate for a reason. In my humble opinion, grab the Bailey’s for winter night tipples and leave the reds for the dinner course.

 


Georgian Cosmetics: Beautiful Corruption

Emma Jane Holloway
October 25, 2019  •  No Comments

I’m fascinated by cosmetics from past ages and cultures. Since the Georgian Age is one of my particular interests, I’m naturally intrigued by their makeup. The sensibility is so distinct, it’s impossible to mistake for anything else. It’s not that I want to replicate the look. To me, it seems an uncomfortable mix of Goth and Barbie.

Rather, the attraction lies in the conflict between beauty and corruption. In the eighteenth century, painting one’s face was an artifice that only the wealthy could indulge in. The major exception was the demimonde, who catered to the appetites of the monied class. Needless to say, most of their careers burned bright and brief, until drink, pox and hard living had their way.

The white and pink face was meant to capture the unspoiled looks of youth. Sadly, the cosmetics of the day were poisonous. The more a person painted, the more their natural good looks would be damaged. Some of the ingredients in common use were lead, mercury, and arsenic. Eventually, that stuff could kill you.

Here’s a thankfully toxin-free version of “the look” from a respected source:


Around the Coaching Inn

Emma Jane Holloway
October 18, 2019  •  No Comments

Almost every historical novel has a scene set around the local coaching inn. Because people came and went there, it was a natural place to meet an exciting stranger. Like a train station or a harbor, it’s filled with the possibility of far-away places.

Similarly, important characters drive signature vehicles, whether they’re rakes or rectors. No Jane Austen dowager is complete without her smart carriage.

It’s important to get vehicles right when creating a historical novel, so I was very happy to find this video about old coaches:


 

 


Dressing for Downton Abbey


October 11, 2019  •  No Comments

Recently, I had a delightful discussion about the fashions of the early twentieth century. The seamstress of the day often had to work with lighter-than-air fabrics and then embellish the garment with stitchery and bead work. I remember family photos from this era where one could see the pleats, tucks, smocking, and drawn thread work. That must have taken hours even with the aid of machinery.  The aesthetic was all about simple lines and lush textures.

Here’s an interesting video I found on 1914 fashion showing all the layers of a lady’s outfit from the time.


Declaring Independence – the DIY Movement

Emma Jane Holloway
October 8, 2019  •  No Comments

Break out your saucepans, drill bits, and knitting needles—the latest trend is to do-it-yourself like our grandparents did. With so much information online, it’s easier than ever to find instructions on everything from dollmaking to drywall.  Or for those seeking to connect with actual humans, knitting circles and crafting afternoons are trending. Still others may not dive into fray themselves, but appreciate the individual craftspeople and small businesses in their local community. And then there are those—like Ren Faire and Steampunk enthusiasts—who take the entire business to extraordinary lengths. The reasons for embracing DIY vary, but there are common themes:  environmental concerns, stretching a dollar, and personal creative expression.

Ever heard of a repair café?  This is a growing trend where, for a few hours, the public can bring everything from wonky toasters to ripped shirts to a room full of volunteers. There, crafters will teach the skills needed to make their wounded possessions whole again. Besides providing a boost in confidence, learning basic repair skills is good for the pocketbook and the landfill.

The DIY philosophy doesn’t stop with repairing zippers. These days, “artisan” or “craft” products are in vogue, along with farmer’s markets, pottery shows, and fancy micro-brews. As with all trends, results vary from delightful to silly, but the movement speaks to a need. Consumers want options beside the anonymous experience offered by the big box store.

Why? For some, the pull is purely emotional. With the move toward mass production, we lost the experience of having a unique item made just for us. There’s a world of difference in a custom-knit sweater versus something bought at a warehouse store. On the flip side, there’s the creative experience of making something for another person—every stitch or stroke of the brush is an expression of pride, affection, and the personality of the giver and receiver. Family recipes and workshop war stories are made of this.

For others, DIY is a simple way to protect the environment. Our throw-away culture has generated mountains of waste, so whatever can be repaired, reused, or created without tons of packaging is better for the planet. Along the same lines, whatever food we grow or make from scratch is tastier and more nutritious than a frozen meal shipped across the planet in a plastic tray.

And while DIY saves money by extending the life of a toaster, that’s not the only economic impact. Buying from other local independent crafters means supporting the economy close to home. We can stretch our dollars by learning to do things ourselves, but when we do shop, we can vote for quality, creativity, and our home community—so go ahead and buy the delicious cinnamon rolls at the farmer’s market. You’re preserving someone’s job.

Then there’s independence. It’s one thing to opt for convenience, and quite another to be helpless because we don’t know how to sew on a button or hang a picture. Surprisingly—or maybe not—there have been a number of recent reports about a loss of manual dexterity in young people who don’t grow up measuring ingredients, sewing, or building things in their dad’s workshop. This is causing problems for those entering the trades or even medical school.

So call up Grandpa and ask about learning to tie flies, or get some bread-baking lessons at the local community center. We don’t just want to learn how to DIY—apparently, it’s good for us.


The Good, the Bad, and the Tasty


September 29, 2019  •  No Comments

Food is as much part of popular culture as movies, games, and fashion trends. We wax nostalgic (or not) about black licorice bubble gum and Frankenberry cereal. We identify with gumbo or Nanaimo bars or kale. We are, in terms of identity, what we eat. So, it’s hardly a surprise that trend-watchers predict upcoming menu choices. A scan of culinary blogs reveals an interesting split—diners seem to be galloping toward (sometimes very odd) healthy choices or are in an equal and opposite rush to a heart attack.

The Good – or at least good for you

Kale was one thing. Broccoli coffee, in my opinion, is just wrong. Invented in Australia, this brew involves adding dried broccoli powder to latté-type beverages. While I cheerfully eat the green stuff raw, steamed, and hopefully smothered in cheese, I can’t see the flavor blending with my fave mocha java. Others apparently thought so as well, since this concoction doesn’t seem to have gained any traction—but watch for beverages made from moringa, coming soon to a barista near you.

Another big trend is meat that isn’t.  While veggie burgers have traditionally been patties made of vegetables, period, those days are done. The past year has seen an uprising of plant-based proteins masquerading as something else.  Check out Good Catch’s seafood substitutes, including faux tuna and don’t forget Beyond Meat and its burgers, a surprisingly successful  contender in the beef-happy fast food arena.

The Bad  – but your tastebuds are in heaven

Fries, fries and more fries—anything remotely starchy, from yucca to snap peas, is trending as long as it’s drowned in grease. Traditional potato, however, is still king of the fryer. Better still if said tots are smothered in bacony goodness. While we might have reached peak poutine, pork and carbs are a combo that’s still going strong.

For added variety, find a way to add a donut. We all know how delectable sweet/salty combinations can be, so how about a donut burger? If you’re inspired to try one, check out this video. I think my cholesterol went up just watching:

 

The Ugly – and thankfully on its way out

Describing something as poop–even unicorn poop–doesn’t make me want to eat it. But I think I’m in the minority, because multi-colored (aka unicorn-styled) food has been invading everywhere from lifestyle magazines to fast-food joints these last few years. The trend reached a notable moment when the Starbucks Unicorn Frappucino galloped past (and was thankfully turned out to pasture!).

The trend was brilliant parodied in this video for Squatty Potty. And that’s my final word on the rainbow trend.

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